18 Ways to Break the Bank
Cross posted from The New York Times
Many economists say the nation’s banks are too big. Writing in The New York Times, author Henry Alford offers his ideas for some ways to break them up:
1. Have the bank marry Larry King or Elizabeth Taylor.
2. Encourage the banks to develop a messianic relationship with Yoko Ono.
3. Carom the cue ball off the bank’s proprietary trading desks.
4. Have the bank’s chairman saunter into the living room at 11:02 p.m. and start idly vacuuming.
5. Have Paulie of “Rocky” pull one bank asset off another while yelling, “Break it up and come out punching clean!”
6. Sprinkle the banks with gaily colored, diversionary “accent pieces” like ottomans and love seats.
7. Tell the bank’s hedge fund investors, “We meant ‘hedge’ like ‘bush,’ not ‘hedge’ like ‘bet.’”
8. Have the bank’s ice-skating divisions join hands and form a “whipline” by which to hurl the outermost divisions into orbit.
9. Pulse all speculative risk in processor for 15 seconds, or until dough has consistency of rubble.
10. Change JPMorgan’s and Wells Fargo’s names to Itch Hawkins and Fingers Jackson.
11. Train a laser beam at systemic risks to effect neutron bombardment.
12. Have the private equity division make irredentist territorial claims against the small loans division, inducing Balkanization.
13. Write each big bank a prescription for Coumadin, to reduce clotting.
14. Refer to all the financial instruments at community banks as being “artisanal” or “hand-crafted.”
15. Interlard all bills in A.T.M. cash disbursements with occasional slices of Limburger.
16. Start a rumor that Warren Buffett has put all his money into Pawnee City Savings and Loan.
17. Give the tabloids photos of the big banks canoodling with younger, blonder banks.
18. Have the big bank’s girl-asset tell the boy-asset she is “in the fiduciary way.”
